She pops up randomly on Facebook and it makes me smile with tears in my eyes. She stands there so happy and brave next to her horse, Clyde. Sometimes I wonder if it's strange that she still has a Facebook account. But then I think of how devastated I would be if her account was deleted. It is a thin, tangible line that I do not want broken.
I had a dream this afternoon. In it, she and I were watching a friend's horse play and I heard her chuckle next to me. It felt so real. I woke up with that lump in the throat that you just can't swallow down.
In just a few short weeks, it will have been a year since she left us. We have passed so many milestones... birthdays, Christmas, wedding anniversaries, the birth of her sixth grandbaby, Mother's Day. Each one bringing to mind the reality that she is not here with us any longer. Grief comes in waves. Just when you feel like you are walking away, free from its grasp, grief sweeps by. Sometimes knocking you over, other times just gently splashing your ankles.
I am so thankful for the time I had with her. In the 15 years that I knew her, she became my friend, my mentor, my mom. Nearly half of my life, she was there. And now she is not. I carry on with the beautiful reality that I will see her again. My daughters who will have no earthly memory of her will have eternity to get to know her. My sons who miss her will once again experience her hugs, her laughter.
I miss you, Pam. But I am so grateful you are no longer in pain, no longer dealing with one of the most wicked diseases on our planet. I love to imagine you dancing, worshiping, painting, taking walks with your Beloved... fulfilling the deepest desires of your heart here on earth. I'll see you soon.
4 comments:
so good. In the "real" world, nothing has changed at all! Just waiting for all of us to wake up from this short dream.
Absolutely beautiful, my dear friend. You are walking this out with such grace...I miss her, too. My heart needed to hear some of those things you wrote tonight.
Well said, sweet Sarah. I know I really miss her as well, but can't imagine how it must hurt for you at times. What a blessing, though, to have had such a great lady for a mother-in-law! I love you and pray for more grace as you continue to walk out the day-to-day grief.
My dear sweet Sarah may the Fathers tender grace and embrace be so tangible. You are His Precious Jewel
As we Narnians say Farther Up and Farther In. We will rule and reign with this Beautiful God Man Forever. I love you! Jim
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