A serious beginning

In July, I unloaded my emotions into a journal piece. I have had quite a lot to deal with this last year. My second son's birth in April was very traumatic, triumphant yet traumatic. I have had to settle into a home in the Midwest, a place I never thought I would be living. But the most emotional journey I have had to walk this year is learning that I have 3 other brothers and sisters-they just don't live here on this earth. They were taken through abortion so they were given a straight shot into heaven. I thought I would share this because I'm beginning to realize that I am not, by any means, the only one who has gone through the grief of having lost siblings this way.

July 16, 2005-I sit here under a deck with my 2 sons. One is forever on the move. At three there is always something to discover, whether it be a "big bug" or a "dead bug" or a "hey, look at that bug". The other little one is passing in and out of dreamland, lulled by the breeze and the chimes. I am truly blessed. I have an amazing husband and two beautiful sons.
My Father calls me a "precious jewel". He has called me this before the beginning of time. I see more and more the evidence of His hand on me since the day I was born. He chose me and declared LIFE over me. I survived, literally, death. I have 3 dead siblings that proves this. For some reason, these 3 were declared to not live life but be raised along with over 40 million others by those in heaven. My heart still grieves over this loss that has only come to my attention this past year. For 25 years, my heart has felt this loss but could never put a finger on the cause. My brother and sisters were murdered before they breathed their first breath. This spirit of death followed me until I was over 20 years old, from attempting suicide by overdose at the age of 18 to off-the-wall car crashes to bouts of deep depression. But the Lord's hand was always covering me, protecting me, and preserving my destiny here on this earth.
The one comfort I hold onto, other than the sovereignty of God, is that one day I will meet this brother and these sisters of mine and it will be a beautiful reunion. They have had the privilege of being raised by the King and I know that it was because of their intercession on my behalf that I am alive today and healed.
It's so strange because I grieve what could have been instead of what I once had and have no longer. I really grieve over the loss of baby sisters to grow up with, to protect, to one day celebrate weddings and children. I have always resigned myself to the fact that all I would ever have is a little brother. Don't get me wrong, I love my little brother and would do anything for him. Lots of people grow up in 2-child families. But there were more who were supposed to live!!! They were supposed to have life, to live out the destiny that God had put in their DNA from the moment they were conceived. What happened?? They were killed- that's what happened. They were suctioned out from my mother's body. My parents, through ignorance and stupidity agreed with the world that if you don't want to raise the child you conceived, then just kill it. Murder it, make sure it doesn't "mess" up your life. I don't understand it. I am angry. I'm angry at my parents who gave life to me and death to them. I'm angry that they took me as a young child to one of those abortion clinics and held me while my brother or sister was being murdered. I'm angry at the complete injustice of the whole entire thing.
It's happening right now. Someone's child, brother, sister, cousin, niece, or nephew is being murdered as I write this. Those babies will now join the millions who stand in heaven and cry out for justice. Have mercy on this nation, O God. Have mercy on we who kill our children, sacrificing them to the gods of convenience, money, and comfort. They are so innocent, so helpless. I look at the beautiful faces of my children...over 40 million of these.

So Lord, I believe You are calling forth an army. We who have survived this atrocity. We who have survived this attack on our lives. For every baby who is killed, there are at least 3 who survive. Gather us together, Lord. Show us how we might be victorious, how we can truly be mighty in Your name. Show us how to pray, how to hold our Sword, how to lift up our Shield, how to wear our Armor. You are calling us up and saying, "Now is the time, be ready, be prepared". We who have been stolen from-we must be ready to hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying to us. Return to our first Love, be holy and pure, be hot-no longer lukewarm, do not give in to compromise. I believe if we do these things and live this way, He will raise us up and we will claim the victory that has been out of our reach.
Won't You come O Lord and heal us? We who have been broken by this plague, this judgment, this curse. Help us to forgive that we might not allow the roots of bitterness to catch hold. Help us to love and have compassion for others during these last days.

Months have passed and the Lord has consistently come in and healed my heart. I still feel the grief but I also am beginning to feel the joy that comes in the morning. I am no longer angry at my parents. Each child has a beautiful name that I know I will greet them with when we meet in heaven. They will all be younger than me. When we stand together it will be me, Luke, Katherine, Justin (my brother who lived with me on earth), and Anna. Oh, what a great day that will be!

sidenote-My parents told my brother and me through the leading of the Lord. In doing so, it began a healing process for them as well as me. It happened a long time ago when they were young and didn't know Jesus. Just thought I should add this in as background...